Where’s my Cell Phone?

This Monday I woke up on time. No problem with that, my alarm clock(s) takes care of it. Got dressed, checked my pockets as usual. ID card: Yes, Keys: Yes, Wallet: Yes. Okay, all set to go to the office. All seemed well but something was amiss, there was this inner feeling. “Its nothing”, I told myself. Let’s go. All through the way to office, I had this feeling that I was missing something, something crucial.

It was only when I reached the office and checked the time that the realization struck me. “Oh! God, I forgot my cell phone”. A lot of us would agree that despite us purchasing and using the cell phone, in reality it’s we who have become the salve of it. It’s my watch, I need to exchange messages now and then, I need to exchange missed calls, and I need to check mails. In short I need my cell phone more than anything.

Let’s discuss what happens when I forget my cell. I can’t check messages, I can’t check calls. There is always that feeling, who would have called? Could it be something important? It was not as if life couldn’t go on without cell phone, it’s just that it has become an important part of our life. It can be understood as the extension of our body which helps us connect via telepathy. It’s the same, if not equal to it. The feeling when I forget my cell phone can’t be explained in words. It has to be felt to understand. I love you, my cell phone. I love you so very much.

Bush Shoed: Why does nobody care?

The President of the world’s strongest democracy; the leader of the free world; one who could demolish the whole world. I am talking about none other than George Bush. Amidst the election campaign and following elections in US, it struck me how politically irrelevant Bush has become today. He has become a bit dormant of late. Gone are the animated speeches, war on terror talks and all those gimmicks. Republicans might have forced him to become mellow, keeping anti-Bush sentiments in mind.

His irrelevancy became all more relevant when an Iraqi reporter threw a shoe at him. I mean come on; a President being thrown a shoe at should/would have evoked sharp feelings among the people. I don’t see much of such reactions, at least neither in the news nor on the blogosphere. Americans seem to have moved on. For them Obama is their man Friday.

What struck me is the fallibility of human being. Some 6 years ago, who would have thought that anyone, leave alone a Muslim would be able to throw a shoe at the President of USA. I read in an article that throwing a shoe is the ultimate insult in the Arab world. Was this anger and insult against President of USA or George Bush? Would Obama also be subjected to the similar treat? Let’s wait and watch. A person, however powerful he may be, has a particular shelf life. This is the biggest strength of nature against us humans. Everyone die one day. Bush era is over in US, so much so that people don’t even care anymore if he is shoed at. At least, not much. As for rest of the world and also liberals among the United States, we can surmise the reaction as,“Usne kaam toh Joote khane waala hi kiya tha”.

जीवन: कठिन या आसान

कभी ऐसा महसूस हुआ है की हम अकेले नहीं है| कोई है हमारे आस पास जो हमें देख सकता है, हमें महसूस कर सकता है| कभी ऐसा नहीं लगता कि जो हमारे साथ हो रहा है वह पहले भी हो चुका है| ऐसा नहीं लगता की हमारी जिंदगी हमारी होते हुए भी हमारी नहीं| अपनी किस्मत पर हमारा कुछ अधिकार नहीं| हम अपनी मर्ज़ी से पैदा भी नहीं हो सकते| हाँ मर ज़रूर अपनी मर्ज़ी से सकते हैं, जब चाहें तब| मतलब यह हुआ की हम अपने लिए अपनी मर्ज़ी से कुछ अच्छा नहीं कर सकते| हाँ बुरा ज़रूर कर सकते हैं, जब चाहें तब|

जब भी में आइना देखता हूँ, मुझे उसके अन्दर एक दूसरी दुनिया दिखाई देती है| मैं ख़ुद को कैद पाता हूँ| पता नहीं उस दुनिया का कैदी हूँ या इस दुनिया का| वह दुनिया असली है या यह दुनिया| मैं अपना अक्स देख रहा होता हूँ या में ख़ुद किसी और का अक्स हूँ|

जब कभी रात को में डरावना सपना देखता हूँ और अचानक नींद खुल जाती है, तब भी मुझे डर क्यों लगता रहता है| अरे वह तो सपना मात्र था, डर कैसा| पर नहीं, मुझे डर लगा रहता है, जब तक कि दोबारा नींद नहीं आ जाती| तो वह डर किसका था, डरावने सपने का या डरावना सपना टूट जाने का| कहीं हमारी जिंदगी दोहरी तो नहीं| हम सपना देख रहे होते हैं या हम ख़ुद किसी और का सपना हैं|

रात को अकेले आसमान की तरफ़ देखा है कभी| मिलाईं हैं कभी आसमान की आंखों में आँखें| टिमटिमाते तारों को देखकर सोचा है कभी, की उनमे से किसी तारे के इर्द गिर्द भी कोई दुनिया होगी| जब हम तारे को देख रहे होते हैं, तब क्या पता उस तारे के किसी ग्रह से हमारा ही अक्स हमें देख रहा हो| वह भी हमारी तरह आसमान को घूर रहा हो|

कौन है वह जो ना होते हुए भी है, क्या वह ही आत्मा है| या वह जीवित है और हम एक आत्मा हैं| आख़िर क्या है सच| क्या आईने में हमारा अक्स हमसे कुछ कह चाह रहा है या वह दूसरे ग्रह वाला शायद या फिर हमारा सपना, हमें कुछ बताना चाहता हो|

जिंदगी कितनी आसान हो जाती है ना, अगर इन सब बातों के बारे में सोचो ही मत| अगर है भी कोई अकेले में, तो अब तक क्यों नहीं आया सामने| अगर अब तक नहीं आया है, तो अब क्या आएगा| आईने में कोई भी दुनिया हो, अगर वह हमें डराती है, तो तोड़ दो ऐसे आईने| मत चिंता करो, दूसरा ग्रह हमसे बहुत दूर है| कोई वहां से चिल्लाएगा भी, तब भी सुनाई नहीं देगा|

उन चीज़ों के बारे में सोचना ही क्या, जिसके बारे में हम कुछ कर ही नहीं सकते| जिंदगी को बेकार में ही, और कठिन क्यों बनाएं|

EMI: Behind the Spirit of Mumbai

In midst of the recent Terror attack on Mumbai, there has been a phrase which is circulating around, “The Spirit of Mumbai”. It drives in a sudden rush of blood. Doesn’t it? It sounds real might and courage. Ultimate fighting spirit and respect to the nation. Whatever happens, life goes on in Mumbai. Such is the spirit of Mumbai. We saw it at the time of local train blasts, when the very next day, local was running full load. However resounding it may seem, it rides on a highly depressing fact, which really no one wants to touch. It’s the compulsion or mazboori as we call it that keeps Mumbai running. If we call the same “the spirit” then so be it.

What’s the compulsion on Mumbaikars that don’t/won’t let them stop? Is it the “never say die attitude” or “I can’t afford to die, helplessness”. What is it? Let’s enquire.

Recently there was a movie EMI which came with a tagline, “liya hai to chukana hi padega” i.e. you have to pay back anyhow. It’s real sad to hear but yes, it’s true. Most of us have EMI compulsions. These EMI are not always of a bank per say. The monthly bill of the grocer, the milkman, the electricity, the water, the children’s school fees, the doctors’ bill for ailing mother, the tension of marriage of the unmarried sister, the landlords’ constant calls for rent, the innocent face of the family that wants to go the new movie, the bare wrists of the wife in need of golden bangles…The list is endless. All these are the EMIs that keep us, Mumbaikars, going. What would we do, if not travel via local? The office is open. We need to work to get paid. The drive of the monthly pay check never let us cease. People call it the spirit.

Authorities take shelter behind this Spirit and we tend to forget the tragedy. Let’s not mistake our helplessness and compulsions to perform, as our Spirit. Each and every Mumbaikar dread for the safety and security of his/her family. It’s an expected behavior.  The problem is that we tend to forget and never learn from these attacks. We just say that Mumbai is standing unshaken. We are shaken, we are scared but there’s no other way round for us but to keep going. The EMI is too strong a force to let us stop.

True citizens of the Nation: Baniyas

t’s an old thing. I had almost forgotten it. Yesterday, we were having a discussion when a friend of mine popped out, “I am a true citizen of the country”. When asked why, he stated coz he is a baniya by caste. I am abaniya too. So when he said that Baniyas are the true citizen of the nation. I couldn’t but spare a laugh.

During my 11th std, there was a teacher of mine who used to tease the baniya students among the lot with the same line. It went like, “Bete aap baniya ho? Are aap to desh ke saache nagrik ho” Dumbstruck when the student looked at him, he explained it further. Everyone would just roll with laughter.

A lot many of us might have read “Desh ke sabse aache nagrik baniye“, painted on the walls, baners, road sides etc. “देश के सच्चे नागरिक बनिए”. Offcially it means, become a true citizen of the nation but just for fun of it we read it like, “देश के सच्चे नागरिक, बनिए”. It’s the game of how u read it (with a pause after nagrik) so it becomes, baniyas are the true citizen of the nation.

So all you baniyas out there, remember, We are the true citizens of the country.

College: A place to make friends

I completed my graduation recently and have taken up a job. The transition phase of life is as complicated as it is exciting. It’s not as if, I had to move for the first time. It’s just that the four years at college imparts stability and in that sense a settling feeling to life. Moving away from the cozy spaces of college to the material world is not as easy as it sounds. It’s not just the college and the hostel room you are leaving behind, it’s far more complicated than that.

At college you begin as a fresher, go through various facets of life, learn zillion things or as they say mature. During the first year you meet a lot of people. Slowly and steadily you find your own comfort space and the people who you are comfortable with. We call them friends. You live a lot of lives with them; you die a lot of deaths with them.

There are times when you are happy and you party with friends. There is time when you all plan a mischief and execute it nervously and then it becomes a routine. They are the people who, even if screw you, you share a laugh with them on your being screwed. The first time when you were holding a drink and you hands were shaking, there were friends who too had shaky hands but gave you a zillion fundas and spoiled you and got spoilt in return. You shared the first smoke with them and had GD over the first adult film you saw. They consoled you when you were down. They carried you on their shoulders when you a bit a too drunk. You shared each and every secret of your life with them. They were your teachers, they were your students. This can go on endlessly.

All of these are not things that one can just brush aside. They remain an integral part of memory which remains etched in forever. A lot has been written over friendship and a lot would be written in future. For me it’s one of the strongest relationships in life. There are times when it goes sour. But when you are in deep trouble you know that there are friends you can bank upon. This for me sums it up.

Ghajini Music: A winner at hand

Music of Ghajini is out finally. It seemed like eternity. On the face of it Aamir+Rahman sounds to be an unbeatable combo. So what does this album have in store for us?

Before going into further, I want to admit that I am not an expert when it comes to the intricacies of music, the nodes and beats so to say. For me the music should be pleasant to hear. One thing I have learned over the years is that there are two kinds of music, one which clicks instantaneously and the other which takes time to grow. Usually Rahmans music is of the latter category (consider Yuvvraaj).

I perform a simple test while rating any album. While at office, I put on my earplug and leave the album on repeat mode. The music which keeps me working and not makes me throw of the earplug is the one that’s good for me. So does Ghajini pass the test?

Yes completely. It takes time to grow, but once it does, it’s addictive. In fact couple of songs click at the first go itself.

Aye Bachchu and Latoo even took my concentration off the work for moments. Both songs are high on octane, compared to the others on the album. They are the ones which will force you to listen to them. Clear winner.

Bekha and Gujarish go with the flow; you would want to listen to them on repeat mode.

The only song which has not got to my ears yet is Kaise Mujhe. I have listened to the album for almost 10-12 times on repeat mode already, but every time I tend to lose Kaise Mujhe. It just goes unnoticed. But still it’s not bad as I haven’t thrown off my earplug yet.

Its 4/5 for me. Rahman betters himself every time. If we thought Jaane Tu was the height this year, well the Everest has grown further.

Stranger on Train: The Handwriting Expert

With the advent of discount airlines in India, frequency of my train travel had become lesser and lesser. I must admit that train travel is an experience of its own. More often than not you meet people who are far from ordinary. You find yourself in situations which you would never find during the normal course of life. Also with each train travel you find more grey hairs on your head, such is the learning you get.

Now that the air fare has sky-rocketed, train travel has once again come back to the fore. This Diwali, we boarded Goa Express from Pune to Agra. Now why didn’t I have confirmed seats and why were we standing through half the journey is a different story altogether and I will cover it up separately. For now I want to tell you about a stranger I met on the train.

Let’s start. I was lying on the upper berth when I heard someone spreading “Gyan”. Don’t ask me how and why, I just know it when some one is giving Gyan. There was this Guy Gyaaning a fellow passenger how to stop eating Gutkha through self control and self motivation. He was a middle aged lean person, whose bald head was shining in my eyes helped by the sunlight from the window. It was a hot day. Apparently, this person was able to study another person by his handwriting. Quite a few passengers were taken aback by his observations about their past and future.

A couple was sitting beside him. The husband in a bid to impress his newly wedded wife; took it upon him to bare the bald con man naked. He jotted down six different signatures of his and threw the challenge to now study him. I could see the wife was really impressed by his hubby’s brilliant stroke as she leaned closer against him. I couldn’t hear what the bald man’s observation were but I could clearly make out the brimming with confidence face of the husband getting paler and paler until he retreated behind his wife, who seemed not much amused now.

I called from above. “Chacha whats up! Whats this art all about”. According to him, this was a quite old American art revived in India by his Guru in Mumbai. He named a number of famous personalities including Sachin Tendulkar who have sought his Gurujis help. According to him Sachin has a certain flaw in his signature which reflects uncertain health issues thus causing frequent elbow injuries. Hmm…Impressive. So the guy knew his art well. I and my friend climbed down to test for ourselves. First me. I wrote down. “My name is Arpit Garg. Tell me something.” It was followed by my signature. He made me write down “dog”, “cat” and couple more of such short words. I was expecting some loose vague remarks, when the very first line he uttered left me shell shocked. I won’t go into detail of the remark as it was something personal about my family. I can only reveal that it was about a relative of ours who has wronged us. Had it been a remark about a vague relative, I would have understood. Instead he pinpointed who the relative was, i.e Chacha, Mama, Foofa, Tau etc. He made certain remarks about my laborious and sharp mind and such other things. By then I wanted to listen no more. When he was about to embark upon my future, I asked him to discontinue. In fact I don’t like predictions about my future in general. But his very first observation about me still lingers in my mind.

I can tell from the faces of people in my compartment that they were quite curious. Many wanted to know about their job prospects, success/failure in business, family, health etc. The usual. Was he a con artist, was he real, was he fake, was he a messenger, was he the Oracle or just a bug.

I have decided to travel by train as much as possible. Come with me. Just one thing. It should be the sleeper compartment. Coz therein lays the true mystic and majestic journey through India.

Cyber Culture: The new social order

This is the summary of a term paper submitted by me and Lalit in the humanities course during our final semester at college.

Throughout the human history, there has been a gradual technological growth. Man has always strived to find ways to make his life easy and enjoyable. Starting from the earliest technology, “the wheel”, man has gone round the circle innumerable times. Technological advances have been followed by a huge rise in the standard of living, as a general trend. Be it renaissance, industrial revolution or whatever. Last half a century or so has seen advancement in technology like never before. Arrival of computers and digitization of datum has had its effects on the human sphere of life. The arrival of internet has given a further shot in the arm to the ever increasing sphere of expanding world.

Modern means of communication were said to have the capability to shrink the world. World became smaller and smaller. But as the regenerativity theory suggests, after shrinking to a tiny dot, this world has exploded again, this time to the infinitum. Internet has led to the creation of new worlds, termed as virtual worlds. All the notions of parallel world and teleporting has been a given a new dimension through this technology. It said that success comes at a cost. So at what cost is this new human success achieved? What sacrifice will the humans make to keep this success sustainable? Perhaps we are still to witness.

According to an article, “netizen is miles away from the nature and its laws. He constructs a fort separating him from the real world. This keeps him away from the realities of life” . Man has always tried to run away from challenges of the real life towards an artificial world. What else does the Arabian nights to the current day Harry Potter stand for, if not for the realization of the human fantasy? The author goes on to say, all’s well till we are inside this virtual world, the problem surfaces when we try to realize the fantasy in our real life and fail unsurprisingly.

As a result of the fast spread of internet and its unchecked expansion, a different society has come up in thousands of Internet cafes and in our own personal computers, says a report. This society has huge shopping malls like Ebay.com, meeting places like Orkut, Facebook and what not. According to a net survey, the number of users as well as the number of minutes spent by each user on Facebook has increased considerably over the period of June’06 to June’07. Most concerning fact is that around 31% of social network users enter false information. Does this suggest a new era where deception might be the reality?

Another area of concern is the reversal of roles on the net. Most of our elders don’t even have an idea about the borders of the cyber society. This is a world where the elders have become newbies. Will this hamper the human growth in the long term?

There is no doubt that internet has the potential to become one of the major tools for the global development. We can’t avoid it. The only option is to acclimatize with it. One can begin by not entering false information, using internet for useful purposes and setting time limits for internet usage.

Good Morning Mumbai…

Every time I read this, I feel relieved. Wonderful dialogue.

Good Moooorrrninggggg!! Mumbai!
This is Jhanvi on World Space Radio

जाने से पहले ये है मेरा आज का ख्याल,
उन सब के लिए जो दौड़े जा रहे हैं शहर में|

शहर की इस दौड़ में दौड़ के करना क्या है?
गर यही जीना है दोस्तों, तो फिर मरना क्या है?

पहली बारिश में ट्रेन लेट होने की फ़िक्र है,
भूल गए भीगते हुए टहलना क्या है?

सिरिअल्स के किरदारों का सारा हाल है मालूम,
पर माँ का हाल पूछने की फुर्सत कहाँ है?

अब रेत पे  नंगे पाँव टहलते क्यूँ नही?
१०८ है चैनल, पर दिल बहलते क्यूँ नही?

इंटरनेट पे दुनिया से तो टच में हैं,
लेकिन पड़ोस में कौन रहता है, जानते तक नही|

मोबाइल, लैंडलाइन, सब की भरमार है,
लेकिन जिगरी दोस्त तक पहुंचे, ऐसे तार कहाँ है?

कब डूबते हुए सूरज को देखा था, याद है?
कब जाना था शाम का गुज़रना क्या है?

तो दोस्तों शहर की इस दौड़ में दौड़ के करना क्या है|
गर यही जीना है, तो फिर मरना क्या है?

So good bye Mumbai. मेरा bye-bye बोलने का वक़्त आ गया है

उम्मीद है आप से कल फिर मुलाकात होगी
यहीं पर, इसी समय,

Friends till then don’t worry, be happy, saionara!

और हाँ! याद रखना कल दो अक्टूबर है
And we are having Mahatma quiz contest

जो भी ये quiz जीतेगा, वो होगा मेरा special guest
Yes! उसे में studio में invite करूंगी और उससे करूंगी ढेर सारी बातें

So bye bye and dont forget to tune in tomorrow at 9

India Australia Series: Is the hype real?

Of Late, India-Australia Cricket has become a huge affair. No stone remains unturned towards a memorable and saleable experience. Same goes for the current Test series. While Players are busy churning out high quality of cricket, Media is busy churning out equally sensational stuff. Let me put down a few from both print and visual media.

Why did Ganguly announce sudden retirement?

The Holy Grail! The news channel famous for its sting ops claimed to have laid its hands on the “real” truth. Whole affair was portrayed as some Watergate scandal waiting to be unearthed. The news went, “Ganguly ki beizzati ki thi tyaari. Dada ko nahin chahiye thi yeh beizzati. Dada ne kiya kinare hone ka faisla”. According to the channel, Kumble had plans to leave out Ganguly from the first test match squad. He wanted to avenge the insult that Ganguly laid on him by not playing him during the 2003 World Cup despite his constant pleads. According to the “well placed” sources it would not be possible for Kumble to keep Ganguly out now.

Kumble and the 2 CD’s

The same channel claimed that Kumble-the captain have played 2 VCD’s to the team. First one contained clippings from the farcical Sydney test, Australia claiming dropped catches and the Monkeygate scandal. The second one relived Kolkata 2001. It got players pumped up. CD may or may not have pumped up the players but this news would for sure have left viewers boiling and hungry for revenge against the Australians.

Oz media slam Ganguly for delaying tactics in ‘farcical draw’

This was a heading from the PTI. I searched online for related articles by the Australian media. I checked Sydney Morning Herald, The Age and others but couldn’t find any such report. What I found was a single article titled “Farcical draw like kissing mother-in-law” by some Andrew McKinlay. PTI claimed as if the entire Oz media was after Ganguly.

Recently, according to a report BCCI advised a sports channel not to advertise this as revenge and hatred filled series. Whatever be the case, sometimes such reporting do help in keeping up the popularity of the sport. I for one enjoyed run-in’s between Zaheer and Haddin, Shane Watson’s antics and Brett Lee’s glare a lot among other things. In fact I might not have enjoyed the match so much but for the media backed controversies.

Media: right or WRONG

Last week a leading news channel was seen patting its back. It carried out an operation in Delhi. A female reporter walked on the road alone during the night to catch the person/persons who tried to take advantage of her.

One must say that this was a clear master stoke. However there seems to be a flaw. It served no positive purpose other than to add to the TRP of the news channel. On the hindsight it did some harm.

Firstly, let me go into as to why nothing positive came out of it. “Are the women safe at night?” is one such question as, “Is cigarette smoking not injurious to health”. Come’ on all of us know that answer to both the questions is a stern NO. What the channel tried to do by proving a well known fact, is far from my understanding. In fact a few days ago, even the Delhi CM agreed that roads are not safe for the females at night. Had the issue been “how this should be resolved”, channel should have been patted. It would have helped creating a better environment. But I guess, it’s easier to be a part of the problem than to be of the solution.

Secondly, why it did some harm? Consider the scenario that the car of a lady broke down at night. Now would anyone stop to help her? I think not. He would be more worried that if the lady turns out to be a reporter in disguise, he would be shown on television as a beast trying to take advantage of a stranded girl. This number would be much higher than the number of real criminals who would turn away due to the fear of being exposed. So in effect it would do more harm than good.

Indian Economy Strong: Funda-mentally

Last few days have witnessed regular assurances from finance ministry, RBI governor, CEO of leading Indian banks as to how India would weather the global financial storm. All the assurances had one thing in common,“The fundamentals of our economy are very strong”. What these financial fundamentals really are? How to understand them? Well, I have one approach ready for you. As they say “Cinema reflects the Society”, let’s start our search for the economic fundamentals via the fundamentals of Indian cinema.

“Thakur, jaan pyaari hai toh Tijori ki chabiyaan nikaal”. Who doesn’t remember this legendary line? Immortalized by Thakurs ranging from Kanhaiyyalal to Madanlal and Dacoits cum Robinhoods ranging fromRaj Kumar to Sunil Dutt. Another such scene is where the greedy Thakur opens his Tijori to lend money to the poor Kisaan at high interest rate. Here the most important fundamental is Tijori. Our society too cherished this personal Tijori. Down the years, the Tijori got replaced by a bank locker for quite a few. Barring the recent trends, we are not known to be ardent investors. We do save money but most of us do not invest in other than the popular LIC policies. We all have such Tijori’s which keep our money safe and sound if not reap returns. Before you point out the decreasing worth owing to inflation, keep in mind that we usually keep our savings as gold, silver etc. But the Tijori persists.

“Kaam ho jaiyega Seth. Paisa mere Swiss bank account mein pahunch jaana chaiye”. This corruption and surplus black money has helped avert the mortgage crisis in India. Consider a house with market value of 1crore. Usually one pays 50lac in cash and 50lac via cheque. This ratio may vary from 40:60 to 45:55 or vice versa. The cash is what is usually called number 2 ka paisa. For the rest 50lac, we apply for a loan. Even if the property rates fall to say 80lac (from 1cr initially), unlike Americans we don’t forego our property to the bank. After all the current market rate is still greater than the loan due. So the black money in property business has not let mortgage crises come to India in the way it has rattled US. (for more readhttp://www.swaminomics.org/articles/20080330.htm)

“Madam hum ICUC bank se aaye hain. Aap loan chuka dijiye warna hum bahut kameeney log hain”. This dialogue delivered with pure sincerity in the movie “One Two Three”, gives us clear insight as to the low default rate in India. The loan is distributed via agents and settled via another set of agents, while the bank sits pretty. Should the leading banks go the legal way, it would take them at least 20 years to settle. Agree or not, this so called extortion has kept the so called fundamentals of our economy sound.

“Bhaisahab yeh Mangal-Sutra girvi rakh leejiye”. Nirupa Roy in need of money for the treatment of her sick son. Here mangalsutra is the key. Most of the Indian families have household jewellery. Ask your mother for confirmation. Regardless of the bank balance, there have to be sufficient diamond/gold/silver ornaments to be worn at various ceremonies. This domestic wealth is the one which has helped many a family sail through the dark times.

Jetlite: Love it or hate it, you can’t cancel it

Recently, I booked a Jetlite fight online, from Katmandu to Delhi, for my CFA exam. A couple of days later a friend of mine found the same ticket cheaper by 1500 bucks. I checked and found it to be true. As a middle class baniya, first thought that came to my mind was to cancel the ticket and book it again. I mean, if “x” be the cancellation charge, it would still leave me with “1500-x”.

I typed in the url www.jetlite.com . I couldn’t find the link to reschedule or cancel. I was like stunned. I called up my friend. At first he thought I had made a mistake, “Come ‘on, how could there be no rescheduling or cancellation link. It would be there only. Check again”. I spent another 15-20 minutes going through each and every link on the webpage, but to no avail.

Not knowing what to do, I dialed up the help line number given on the website. After initial IVR reply, I was routed to the operator (after a substantial waiting, I must add). My worst fears came true when the lady replied, “No sir, you can’t reschedule or cancel the flight online. It can only be done telephonically”. Okay, the crude oil prices are all time high and aviation industry is reeling under heavy loss, but is this the way to avenge it?

Cancellation charges were 500 bucks. I asked them to cancel my ticket. They have informed me that my account would be credited in about 15 days. However when I booked again, the money was debited instantaneously.

For all those, who like me, have been left wondering, how to cancel the ticket, here are the numbers to Jetlite call centre, 1800 22 3020 / 3989 3333. For further inquiry click here . Happy Journey!

Various categories of PJ’s

Name: Poor Joke (PJ)
Age: Unknown
Effect: Deadly, Suicidal, Make you cringe, Trigger a sudden pulse down the spinal chord
Know As: Khatta (sour), Maaru (deadly)

Having spent some considerable time devouring each and every PJ that came by, I have tried to divide them into certain categories based on their characteristics.

• Story Time: Lengthy ones

Seriously long!. Come with a narration. An old house, the old lady, one untimely accident, a sudden death. After a grueling half n hour or so, either we have to answer a simple question or suggest a moral to the story. Believe you me; if you tried as much to think, you would definitely commit suicide.

Q There was a bus conductor. He was very rude. Due to his fault a lot of people used to get killed. Each time he was arrested-produced before the court-sent to the electric chair. Each time he survived. Realizing his mistake, he became a good man. Once when he tried to help somebody, he was again arrested-produced before the court-sent to the electric chair. This time he died instantaneously. The question is why?
A Earlier he was a Bad Conductor so electricity couldn’t pass through. Later he became a Good Conductor, electricity passed through. He died. (based on http://www.dctorrent.com/f204/deadly-pj-23733/)

• Stand on the shoulder of Giants: Remember the Titans

A PJ is told. We are subjected to another four-five PJ’s. The last PJ is a Q n A type. The answer to it lies in the very first PJ. It leaves you wondering, “I knew the answer all along”. One classical example is the “Elephant in the fridge”.

Q How will you put a camel in the fridge?
A Open the door. Put the camel in. Close the door.

Q How will you put an elephant in the fridge?
A Open the door. Take the camel out. Put the elephant in. Close the door.
..…
…. 4-5 questions
….
Q You are in a plane moving out from one city to another with all your belongings. Suddenly the plane starts losing height. Pilot asks each passenger to throw out the heavy items. What would you do?
A Of course. Open the fridge and throw out the elephant.
..…
….Another  4-5 questions
….
Q Two guys are standing by the side of a swimming pool. One of them jumps in. The other one didn’t know how to swim, so he remain outside. The one standing by the pool dies. Why?
A Easy. The elephant you threw out fell on him. Arrrggghhh!!! (based on:http://www.akhilesh.in/life/fun/jokes/pj0041TestYourCommonSenseRevisited.php)

• What is the meaning?

These are the smaller ones. You just have to find the meaning of some simple statement.

Santa meets his friend Bunta
Santa: A and B, A and B, A and B, A and B, A and B…!
Bunta: Oye, Iska Matlab ?
Santa: Kuch Nahin Yaar, I Mean Long Time No C..!
(Source: http://www.killerpj.com/index.php?sbjoke_id=290)

• Singing Daisy

Answer lies in some famous song. I am sure all of you might have read the following two.

Q Ganesh ko Anesh kisne banaya
A Kailash Kher ne. Tere naam se G loon. Tere naam se mar jaoon.

Q How will you light a cigarette in a boat without a matchstick?
A Take some water in your hand. Let it pass drop by drop. Tip Tip barsa paani, paani ne aag lagayi. Use it to light the cigarette. (based on: http://www.akhilesh.in/life/fun/jokes/pj0062LightACigarette.php)

• Antonym: The opposite

We have to guess the antonym of a particular word. We can solve them if we try and break the word into various Hindi/English sub-words.
Dominoes <—> Domi doesn’t know.
Nag Panchami <—> Nag did not punch me.

• Can’t help it: Main aisa hi hoon

They don’t come with any answer. They are the wackiest ones

Q 3+3=8 How?
A By mistake (Galti se).

Q A hen and three chickens cross a busy road. On reaching the other side, one of the chicks said, “Thank God all 5 of us are safe”. Why did it say “all 5 of us”?
A Come on! It is just a small chick. Small children usually make mistake while counting. (based on:http://www.crazyengineers.com/forum/chillax-chit-chat/30-ridiculous-jokes.html)

• Tag-the-line

The answer lies in a catchy tag line of some ad campaign.

Q A person used to live a normal life. Once he got a call on his idea mobile. It was from a girl. A wrong number, perhaps! Still he talked to her. They fell in love. Got married. One night, when they were sleeping, the wife got murdered. He was implicated in the murder. He cried that he has not killed his wife but to no avail. He was sent to jail. He lived there for 5 years. He broke out of the jail. He ran away from the city. He started living in the forest. He did Tapasya for 5 years. God became happy. He was granted a wish and was made the Prime Minister of the country. What is the moral of the story?
A An idea can change your life!

• Anekta mein Ekta: Regional ones

They are based on Sardars, Madrasis, Bengalis or for that matter Blondes.

The list is not extensive. Perhaps you could categorize them further. Till then I would leave you with this. Why was Indian Cricket team not able to drink Pepsi during their ODI series, Sri Lanka ’08?

Munna ki Shaadi

Everyone has some childhood memory which tend to bring smiles. For me it would be “childhood rhymes”. One which I sang the most, enjoyed the most is the, “Munna ki Shaadi”. Try singing it fast, would enjoy better. Also if you can couple it with claps, pleasure would be supreme.

Bigg Boss: The Truman Show

For those who have watched Jim Carrey’s, “The Truman Show”, the Bigg Boss house too symbolizes the real world. Let’s see how.

Bigg Boss: He is the God, the almighty, the supreme. Members consider the decision of Bigg Boss their fate. They pray to their God to give them more food (budget) the coming week. They ask his forgiveness for any fault of theirs. They cry in the confession room. They get angry with him at times and as his children want him to be loving and caring.

Housemates: In this world we play various roles. Similarly the house mates take over different roles. Rahul becomes the toilet cleaner. Ketaki becomes the cook. Elina becomes the maid. Raja becomes the king. These roles are not allotted but are assumed.

Tasks: We all work to earn money, to get food. In the house too members perform a particular task to earn food for the coming week. If they fail, they don’t get paid that well and have to live with limited resources. This creates friction. ‘Coz scarcity of resources is the root cause of discontent and disruption. The work may not be what they wish to do. Still need to do it for living anyway.

Nominations: In real world we have friends and foes. We wish well for some and not so well for others. The nomination brings out the dark side. They want a person not be a part of their life anymore. They want the person they don’t like to leave the world. Simply they wish him to die. They pray to the God (Bigg Boss) to take their enemies away. They conspire to get rid of them.

Eliminations: The soul leaves the house. Bigg Boss decides to take a member away. A member goes out and only his memories remain. He is dead. The recurring elimination symbolizes that nothing is imperishable. Everyone has to die. Nature has to take its own course. The life continues.

सायोनारा: अलविदा सैंट पीटर्स

My farewell speech 12 Std, St. Peters College Agra, 2003.

कुछ बीती बातों का छोड़ रहा हूँ फव्वारा,
सायोनारा|
दिल कि डायरी का है यह सार सारा,
सायोनारा|
इस कविता में अपनी पहचान ख़ुद से है करारा यह बेचारा,
सायोनारा|
सुबह घंटी बजने के ५ मिनट बाद नियमपूर्वक क्लास में है आरा,
सायोनारा|
बिना पास के साइकिल स्टैंड वाले को दस रुपये का किया इशारा,
सायोनारा|
बिन पॉलिश के जूतों और लंबे बालों को लिए क्लास में है घुसा जारा,
सायोनारा|
डायरी न लाने पर एक दोस्त के कवर व बाकी से पन्ने लेकर असेम्बली में जाने की जुगाड़ है बिठारा,
सायोनारा|
एडवर्ड सर की नजरों से बचने के लिए गंदे जूते पैंट से है घिसे जारा,
सायोनारा|
छोटे कद का होकर भी असेम्बली की लाइन में सबसे पीछे है लगा जारा,
सायोनारा|
प्रयेर के टाइम पे गर्लफ्रैंड के किस्से है सुनारा,
सायोनारा|
नेशनल ऐनथम के दौरान अटेंशन में नहीं खड़ा हुआ जारा,
सायोनारा|
‘गुड मोर्निंग टीचर’ को के.एल. सहगल के गीत की तरह है सुनारा,
सायोनारा|
पहले ही पिरिएड में टिफिन का लिया चटकारा,
सायोनारा|
चुपके से दूसरे कि बोतल से पानी है पिया जारा,
सायोनारा|
लीव ऐप्लीकेशन न लाने पर जल्दी से मम्मी-पापा का साइन है किया जारा,
सायोनारा|
बिना सिलेबस कि किताबों के भी नोविल्स के बोझ से बैग है फटा जारा,
सायोनारा|
बोरिंग लेक्चर के बीच नींद में डूबा जारा और पकड़े जाने पर घिसा पिटा राग सुनारा,
सायोनारा|
मॉरल साइंस के पिरिएड में फादर के संग ठहाके है लगारा,
सायोनारा|
इंगलिश के पिरिएड में में मैथ का काम है किया जारा,
सायोनारा|
मैथ का पिरिएड आने पर सिस्टर ऑफिस भागा जारा,
सायोनारा|
एग्जाम से पहले बैठकर महनत से फर्रे है बनारा,
सायोनारा|
टीचर के सिर को एरोप्लेन की लैंडिंग प्लेस है बनारा,
सायोनारा|
चुन-चुन कर दूसरों पे रबड़ में फंसाकर बुलेट है बर्सारा,
सायोनारा|
पंखे, ट्यूबलाईट और, बल्ब को चॉक का निशाना है बनारा,
सायोनारा|
तबियत ख़राब होने का बहाना बनाकर घर को भगा जारा,
सायोनारा|
फ़ुटबाल मैच में सामने वाले को धक्का देकर गिरारा और ख़ुद गिरने पर बाहर मिलने का न्योता देकर आरा,
सायोनारा|
जूनियर साइड में नल की लाइन पर जाकर छोटे बच्चों को है हड़कारा,
सायोनारा|
इंटरवल की घंटी बजने पर खिड़की से है कूदा जारा,
सायोनारा|
कैंटीन में ५ रुपये में दो पैटी लेकर अपनी बुद्धि को है इतरारा,
सायोनारा|
औरों की बर्थडे की ट्रीट खाकर अपनी बर्थडे के दिन स्कूल में न दिया नज़ारा,
सायोनारा|
एब्सेंट होने पर रोज नया बहाना बनरा,
सायोनारा|
कैंटीन की भीड़ में अपनी शक्ति का पूरा जोर दिखारा,
सायोनारा|
दूसरे के बर्गर के चिथड़े कर फूले नहीं समारा,
सायोनारा|
दो दोस्तों के बीच डब्लू.डब्लू.एफ करवाकर मंद-मंद मुस्करारा,
सायोनारा|
क्लास से बंक मारकर पूरे स्कूल में गश्त है लगारा,
सायोनारा|
पीछे बैठकर दोस्तों से गप्पें है लडारा,
सायोनारा|
एग्जाम में आगे वाले को आन्सर बताने के लिए पटारा और न बताने पर उसे भूखे शेर कि तरह है घूरे जारा,
सायोनारा|
केमिस्ट्री लैब में नाइट्रिक एसिड से घर की टकसाल के सारे सिक्के है चमकारा,
सायोनारा|
विभिन्न रसायनों को मिला सतरंगी चित्र है बनारा,
सायोनारा|
५ टी.टी  और दो बीकर तोड़ने की गाथा गर्व से पूरी क्लास को है सुनारा,
सायोनारा|
फिजिक्स लैब में मरकरी कि गोलियाँ है बनरा,
सायोनारा|
वहाँ के इन्सटरूमंट्स तोड़कर, उनके पहले से टूटे होने कि ख़बर सच्चाई से टीचर को है सुनारा,
सायोनारा|
प्रोजक्ट टाइप करने के बहाने पूरा दिन कमप्यूटर लैब में ऐ.सी. के मजे है उड़ारा,
सायोनारा|
मक्खन लगाकर सब टीचर्स का बनना चाह रहा दुलारा और दूसरों के मक्खन लगाने को सहन नहीं कर पारा,
सायोनारा|
स्पोर्ट्स डे की शाम कॉरिडोर में बम्ब है छुड़ारा,
सायोनारा|
और भड़ाम की आवाज आने पर सीना फूलकर दुगना हुआ जारा,
सायोनारा|
एग्जाम टाइम में सब टीचर्स के पैर छूकर जारा,
सायोनारा|
सेकंड क्लास की सीड़ियों से  “ग्रेट वाल पार आफ चाइना” के उस पार है झाँका जारा,
सायोनारा|
स्कूल के अन्दर आने के रास्ते में बड़ा गेट आते ही स्पीड धीमी कर मुंडी है घुमारा,
सायोनारा|
कम्बाइंड स्कूल सैलिब्रैशन के लिए १५ अगस्त का इंतज़ार है किया जारा,
सायोनारा|
इन सब को याद कर बड़ी मुश्किल से हूँ में अश्रुधारा को रोक पारा,
सायोनारा|
सैंट पीटर्स के गलियारों में दिल मेरा हारा,
सायोनारा|
यहाँ है सब टीचर्स का स्नेह और फादर मैथ्यू का प्यार बहुत सारा,
सायोनारा|
यहाँ है मानवता का फव्वारा,
सायोनारा|
यह है मार्गदर्शक हमारा,
सायोनारा|
येह है प्यार का गुलिस्तां हमारा,
सायोनारा|
आज इन सब चीजों को कर रहा हूँ में सायोनारा
सायोनारा, सायोनारा, सायोनारा…
…अलविदा सैंट पीटर्स…

Can you dare? Long Hair

Finally I decided to go through with it. I don’t know about others but I don’t do it that often. However once in a while I do ignore my inner inhibitions and heed to the demand of this material world. We often hear “inner self is supreme”, “What you are within matters most”. If that’s so, why does every other guy in the town need to point “it” out to me? I usually don’t accede to the constant queries like, “Why are you not getting it done?” or suggestions such as, “I think you should get it done already”. For those who are wondering, I am talking about my poor hairs. I don’t understand why does the society go all out to bring them under the guillotine? I mean, “Why Why Why???”

Any sign of hairs outgrowing my ears and they would all gather into a pack of hounds that has find its new prey. It would start with the usual, “Poor chap seems busy, so much of office work, doesn’t get time for even a haircut” Brick by brick it would lead to, “Want to keep long hair, hmm…going fashionable?” Even before you can react to that, you are being called by names ranging from Zulfi to Hairdo to Girly. I remember one of my favorites. It was when Tera Naam released and my hairs were around five months old. One of my colleague started calling me Aashiq or something similar; and soon every other guy followed suit.

When the near and dear ditch you, why to lament of the strangers. It might be bitter but the truth is that the strongest resistance comes from the family. Leave aside parents who were supposed to react so, even theBua’s, Mami’s and Mausi’s make your life miserable. At first you try to laugh it off, later you try to dish out witty excuses. After some time you start dreading the family functions, where a bunch of deadly faces, salivating to the full, is waiting to devour you. One may reason that our society is a closed knit family…blah blah blah. I agree but why my poor hairs!!!

Recently when I was at home, fresh from college, all hell broke loose. It took some time for my parents to recognize me at station (or so they said). I don’t remember even a single relative who had not pricked me. High point came when I finally decided to go under the hammer. I was standing at paan bhandar near my ancestral house. The shopkeeper asked, “You seem like Shiv Bhaiyya’s son”. I nodded, “Yes, why?” His reply struck me really hard. “Nothing, I saw you last week. Wondered, what is Shiv Bhaiyya’s son doing roaming in a ponytail?” Earlier they were after me to get a cut. Now they have a new weapon ready, “Now that you have heeded to the advice, you look like a man”.

Lehman will be back

The speculations were going on since about a month. There were talks of possible stake sellout to complete buyout. People were quite optimistic though. It has been two months since I joined Lehman Brothers (India office) and four months since I received my B.Tech degree. I won’t say that the situation here is the first for me alone; it is the first for almost all of us here. When we saw Bear Stearns go down, it was like, “Oh! It’s not good. But we will sail through”. When it has come down to us, I know now how it feels like. It’s not that I am too much worried about a job or anything. A bit alright, but not much. After all, I am a recent college pass-out and that too from Computer Science. I hope to get a new job sooner or later. But still there is a sinking feeling deep down. After all guys, I might not come back to the job tomorrow.

I have seen anxious faces over the last few weeks amidst rumors of people being laid off in London and New York almost every other day. Nevertheless the professionalism here has been supreme. My managers, my seniors were trying to hold the forte, working 24×7 undeterred by the speculations. Even this past weekend, a lot of my colleagues worked 24×7 trying to sail past the inevitable. When the news of the failed talks started trickling in, anxious faces turned into “wtf!” to “what next?” Pagers and phones kept buzzing all through the day. The friends, family and old mates kept enquiring the Holy Grail. “What went wrong?” “Come’ on yaar!!! Even Richard Fuld would be wondering about that”. Having come to him, I must say that people here hold him in very high regard. Till the recent news, people were dead sure that Richard Fuld would pull it off. And even today, we all are sure; he had done what all he could do. We still believe that Lehman will be back sooner or later. Richard Fuld is not the one to go down so easily. The faith people have in him here is just next to what I had seen during my college days, when the whole college used to have such blind faith in our director GB Sir, IITG. The feeling of such solidarity must be felt to believe in.

I want to admit today that I have been a bit laid off although my life. Or at least last few years at college. I have let life take its own course putting in just the effort which was required of me. I and my friends who have joined Lehman recently are taking it as a blessing in disguise. We have faced such as scenario so early in our career. It would help us remain prepared for the future. Working with Lehman has been a nice ride. I have learnt a lot here. The employee base here is among the best what you can get.

I have just talked to my colleague in London who was calling it off for the day probably heading for the nearest pub. Well, we deserve at least a mug of Beer. After all it has been a hell of a day.

Six things that annoy me most in Bigg Boss

1. The irritating laugh of Rahul Mahajan. It sounds as if he is trying to pull off a gargling Santa.
2. Payal’s camera consciousness. Her constant reminders that one should not make a fool of oneself on National Television. God it’s almost a cliché, just 3 weeks down the line.
3. How Elina’s accent kinda changes, you (k)now when she switches from Hindi to English.
4. Sambhanvna trying to act decent sometimes, when we all including her know that’s not the case.
5. Another one of Payal’s clichés, “I am not some Bai” and “I am not from such low background”.
6. Shilpa trying too hard to act to be a host but failing miserably each Friday.

Tring…Tring…are you an idiot?

I received this call last week.

Caller: Hello, is this Hardhik Garg? not clear whether it was Hardhik or Karthik.
Me: May, I know who this is?
Caller: Hi, I am Shyamsundar. I am a pass out of IIT Guwahati. You are also from Guwahati naa Hardhik. I got your name and number from Satish Mittal. You might know him. He was from your batch.
Me: Arre, my name is Arpit. Yes, I know Satish.
Caller: Sorry Arpit. Actually I just talked to Satish over the phone. He was busy with a presentation. So couldn’t hear him clearly. By the way I am from ‘99 ECE batch.
Me: ’99 passout batch?
Caller: No ’99 joining batch. I passed out in ’03.
Me: Oh!
Caller: Yes, you and Satish would have joined a year later.
Me: Yes, exactly.
Caller: You might know Bora Sir, Gogoi Sir.
Me: Yes, I knew Bora Sir. Not remember about Gogoi Sir.
Caller: Well, I am in Mumbai right now. I came here with regard to my visa for Australia. I was travelling in local train when my wallet got lost.
Me: Oh God!
Caller: Yes and with it went all my cash, credit card, debit card.
Me: So you are out of cash right now. Guessing that’s why he had called.
Caller: Yes. That pretty much the case. I called Satish for help. He was busy in office. I know how it is. I myself was at Microsoft for over a year. So didn’t disturb him much. He gave me your number and asked me to contact you for help.
Me: Oh Ok
Caller: So where exactly are you in Mumbai?
Me: I am at my office in Powai area.
Caller: Oh! Near IITB. I have been there once during college.
Me: Ok. So where are you? How do you need help?
Caller: Sorry yaar. I guess I am not disturbing you.
Me: No problem at all.
Caller: I have just one debit card left with me. Fortunately, it was in the bag and not the wallet. It’s an old HDFC account. I haven’t used it recently, so it doesn’t have any balance right now.
Me: Yes listening.
Caller: Can you please deposit some money into this account. Would it be a problem?
Me: No. not at all. What’s your full name? Shaymsundar…
Caller: It’s S. Shaymsundar. I am from south.
Me: Oh. Ok. Yes go on.
Caller: My account number is XXXX. I will return your money as soon as I reach home.
Me: Oh. Ok. I haven’t received such calls before. Was not sure whether it was a crank call. How to be sure? Just then it struck to me. So which hostel were you in?
Caller: Oh! I didn’t live in hostel. My dad was … he told some Govt job, that I forgot in Guwahati. I used to live with my family in the city.
Me: Ok. You might know Ravi then. He was from your batch only. (Just made some name up to check).
Caller: No I don’t remember any Ravi. Which stream was he in?
Me: I don’t know exactly. Thought you might know. Well so bhaiyya (trying not to sound too questioning), who was the director at your time.
Caller: Oh! He was someone called Mohanty. You might not know him. (Caught you!!!)
Me: Yes, yes. So what is the sum you need?
Caller: Let’s see. I have to take a flight from here to Banglore. I would need 2-2.5K.
sounding hesitant and feeling sorry to disturb me I hope I am not troubling you any bit?
Me: Arre naa.
Caller: Is there any HDFC branch near you? You may check online for that.
Me: I think there is one branch nearby.
Caller: Oh. Thank God! So how long would it take?
Me: It should take me around 20 min to reach there.
Caller: So are you leaving right now?
Me: Don’t worry. I will leave immediately.
Caller: Thanks yaar. I would repay it on reaching Bangalore. I would like to meet you and Satish both when I return from Sydney. You guys are really helpful.
Me: Oh! No problem at all. After all you are our senior. This is the least we could do.
Caller: So. I’ll call you in half an hour.
Me: Yes, sure.

I called Satish. He whispered over the phone. He was in a presentation. I asked him does he know any Shyamsundar and had he given him my number. According to him, this guy called him some 15-20 minutes ago. Was not sure where he got his cell number. From orkut, perhaps. Forwarded the call to me, as he himself is busy. “Plz verify before doing anything”, were his words.

Well. I did leave immediately not for the Bank but for lunch. I went over the chinks in the story with my friends, to weigh the odds.

Chink 1: He was not able to tell the name of the hostel and made up some excuse. Plausible though, I must say.

Chink 2: There was no director by the name of Mohanty. GB Sir were there in our time and if he had passed in 2003, as he said he did, he should have known his name.

Chink 3: I would have understood if he needed some cash. But he needed money transferred into his account. Given internet (core) banking these days, he could as well have called his friends and family. They would have deposited money anywhere in India into his account.

Chink 4: Similar argument goes for the flight ticket to Bangalore. Any of his known one could have booked the ticket online. He just needed the PNR. Instead he went all pains to ask someone he didn’t knew even remotely.

Chink 5: The best part of it. The call was from a local landline number. I tried to call back but it was engaged. Probably a STD booth. So the guy didn’t have a cell number.

He called back and I told him that there is no HDFC bank in my vicinity. Better he call his friends and family to get a ticked booked online. Sorry that I could not help him. Looking forward to meeting him when he is back from Sydney.

Well, I still have his account number. (Based on real events)