Walking Genius

There are times in life when we end up making fool of ourselves. One such incident happened to me lately. Made an a** of myself. I realized I am not alone. People like me walk among us. I would like to pay my respects to some such pals of mine.

PSO Padam Singh
Personal Security Officer of UP CM Mayawati, Padam Singh, bent down and wiped her dusty shoes. “I just noticed the dust on her shoes. I follow Clean India Green India campaign and wiped of the dust. What wrong have I done?”

Muammar Gaddafi
“They love me. All my people are with me. They love me all. They would die to protect me”, Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi gloated, laughing off international pressure to step down. When questioned as to how can he laugh it of, while he is slaughtering his own people, Gaddafi said, “I am just a happy person. I laugh all the time. More so since I started watching FRIENDS. Long live America!”.

S M Krishna
External Affairs Minister SM Krishna accidentally read out the Portuguese Foreign Minister’s speech at the UN.
“There was nothing wrong in it, I was just trying to learn some Portuguese”, clarified Krishna. A headline read,“Dear Krishna, all is forgiven. Don’t catch the wrong flight.”

Ratnakar Shetty
When asked whether it was unfair that only 4000 tickets would be sold to public for a game as important as the World Cup final, Shetty said the members of the clubs are also part of the “public” and so he disagrees that public is not getting any tickets.

Speechless! Well species like these are found in trio’s, lest they hurt themselves.

Haroon Lorgat
Some miscreants stoned WI team bus after Bangladesh’s shameful defeat. ICC CEO Haroon Lorgat played down the incident, calling it ‘minor’, pointing out that few individuals had thrown pebbles at the bus. This left WI team manager furious.

Bangladesh’s Cricket Board left the world further puzzled when it added that people mistook WI team bus to be Bangladesh team bus. They walk among us!

Hillary Clinton/Obama
US President Barack Obama pressurized Pakistan to treat Raymond Davis, who allegedly shot dead two men in Lahore, as a diplomat and release him. US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton reportedly “forced” Pakistan to confirm the diplomatic immunity for Davis while threatening to withdraw the $1.5 billion aid.

“Life of a US citizen with per capita $48000 is way more than that of two Pakistanis with per capita $1000. It’s pure statistics”, asserted Hilary while greeting Davis back home.

Manoj Tiwari BB
Fuming over his eviction from the ‘Bigg Boss’ house, Bhojpuri star Manoj Tiwari hit back at Salman Khan and his brother Arbaaz Khan for ‘scripting’ his eviction from the controversial reality show as a part of larger ‘conspiracy’ against Bhojpuri actors

Manoj Tiwari Fan Club president Manish Kumar, along with a bunch of followers protested against Tiwari’s eviction, claiming that ‘Bigg Boss’ ‘insulted’ the 26-crore Bhojpuri community.

Your’s Truly
Incident With-hold

The Day the Earth stood still

1996 was year that marked my generations tryst with cricket. Kirsten’s 188; Jayasurya’s revelations; Indo/Pak Q/F; the Eden heartbreak. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions. It had all, save the Heroic ending. The script seemed flawed; a job left unfinished.

Post ’98 Sharjah exploits, the team fell apart under the match fixing allegations. We were no longer a force in the world cricket. Two of the most controversial figures of Indian cricketing history the Raja and the Senapati fell and gave way to yet another controversial figure of all times. Though his were the controversies we took pride in.

Eden curse was cured by a Lanky personality who gave us reasons to be proud of. The high moon, the tide, the ebbs, the flows all became but adjectives when the cricketing history was re-written. A giant was born. The journey culminated in Jo ’burg when the mighty batting lineup was but a step away from laying its claim.

Albeit, that was not to be. Undone by a legend from down under, it paved way to of one of the most hate-filled cricketing rivalry. The Sydney fiasco was just waiting to happen. It turned out to be the Pearl Harbor of Indian cricket. We have never looked back since. The zeal, the aggression, the will has never been higher. Post 3 IPL’s, high dose of Indo-SL matches and a resurrection of The God of Cricket, it’s time to cross the final hurdle.

The SF match between Indo-Pak, was the most anticipated and followed match in the history of cricket. Everything was to its maximum. Imagine anti-aircraft guns around the stadium! I travelled from Mumbai to Pune to celebrate the festival with friends. With Holi/Diwali/Ganesh Pooja being celebrated with varying vigor across the country, the festival of cricket is the only one which whole nation celebrates equally.

The scenes I saw in Pune were unparalleled. The roads were jammed post the win. I could see thousands of bikes/cars/tempo/buses parading round the city. Flags/colors/sweets aplenty. The whole city was one. It was the day for no hatred.

On field/off field the camaraderie between the two nations was a sight to behold. The old sins were washed off. The 26/11 seemed a distant memory. One match turned the hostile relations between two nations onto its head, into Aman Ki Fuhaar.

My feet were trembling and emotions flowing unrestrained. It was day when 1/5th of humanity gasped in unison, It was a day when the Earth stood still.

नन्ही परी, चंचलता भरी

एक थी चुलबुल नन्ही सी परी,
चंचलता, चपलता, शरारत भरी,
मुस्कान से उसकी, रोशन था ज़माना,
पड़े सब पीछे, उसको था फंसाना|

आया एक राजकुमार तभी,
सबसे लड़ा और उसे ले उड़ा,
आह भरी, देखते रह गए सभी,
आसां न था, युद्ध हुआ था कड़ा|

पर किस्मत को था मंज़ूर नहीं,
नज़र लगी उसको जमाने की,
अभिमन्यु का भी चक्रव्यूह क्या होगा,
फंसी वो बेचारी जान थी जिसमें|

आंसू न बहा तू, आंसू का मोल है तेरे,
खुशियाँ हैं तेरी, सब गम हैं मेरे,
वक़्त बुरा ना रहता, चला जाता है,
तेरा यह उदास मुख, पर नहीं भाता है|

चहकती महकती सी गुड़िया जो है तू,
चहकती महकती सी गुड़िया ही रह तू,
चहकना महकना ही भाता ही तुझको,
चहकना तेरा, महकाता है सबको|

ठहराव थोड़ा बस आता है,
रुकती नहीं है चाल,
भूल के तू सबकुछ,
मचा वही पुराना धमाल|

कुछ होते हैं सच्चे, कुछ होते हैं कच्चे,
पर कुछ तुझ जैसे, बस होते हैं अच्छे,
आंसू न बहा तू, आंसू का मोल है तेरे,
खुशियाँ हैं तेरी, सब गम हैं मेरे|

An Ode to Girls: Eat Pao not Bhao

“Nahin yaar kal time nahin hai. Some other time”, she would say over the phone. And then giggle away to her friend. “Thoda bhaav khana zaroori hai. Dekh ab kaise peeche peeche aata hai”.

This is the fundamental problems with girls that I never have been comfortable with. This might work with the vella guys who have no work and are just fishing around. With guys who have a professional life and that to a busy one, such tactics are bound to backfire.

There have to be an equal participation in a relationship even to start it off. Working guys have very less time during weekdays and sometimes weekends are busy too. So if you squander away the meeting just for the fun of it, to entice him, to tease him. There might not be a second one. Life moves on and so would he.

If you feel interested in him, there is no point squandering the meeting. If you want to play ‘hard to get’, there are other tactics to apply. Make him wait at the dinner. Guys have no problem in waiting, even for hours. They would never complain; you would find them sipping coffee and happy when you finally arrive. You can take calls a number of times when with him. You can seem disinterested in all the crap that he is shooting off. That’s all fine.

The bottom line is you have to be there. For most of the guys, out of sight is out of mind. The phone calls, the messages, are fine up to some time. After that it gives a feeling that you are too hard to get and if the guy has his work too in mind, he will wither away. Chase how much you might then, it would be of no help.

So if you find a guy for whom you feel positive vibes and butterflies. It’s better not to play too hard. Spend time together. Be there in sight. Coz obviously if you think he is not up to, you can any day break it off.

हुआ मनुष्य लाचार क्यों आखिर

डरता हूँ मैं, डरता क्यों हूँ?
हर पल मैं आखिर मरता क्यों हूँ?
ऐसी कौन सी गली मैं मुडा,
राह सभी बे-राह हुई जो|

पीता जब हूँ, रब दिखता है,
परदे के पीछे सब दिखता है,
काल-चक्र का उल्टा चलता,
सभी सफलता, लगी विफलता|

डर-डर के जीवन, जीता हूँ में,
गम का सागर पीता हूँ में,
इस माहौल में और नहीं अब,
“एक दिन आएगा”, आएगा कब?

रो-रो के जीवन, जहन न होती,
दर-दर की ठोकर, सहन न होती,
हूँ मैं बेबस, जज्बात लदे हैं,
कुछ कर जाता, हाथ बंधे हैं|

हुआ ये कैसे, मनुष्य लाचार
मुझे पता ना, पता है तुमको?

Dhoni Under ICC Scanner

Dhoni seems to be in the middle of yet another controversy. After the “Glove Web” fiasco and “Two and a half (2.5) Jam” hiccup, Dhoni has irated ICC once again. According to our sources, Dhoni is under investigation from ICC for the potential theft of cricketing material.

An ICC internal memo, a copy of which is present with us states, “Mr. Mahendra Singh Dhoni, captain Indian cricket team is hereby charged under Section 25.2 for stealing stumps from the field. Stumps are ICC property; hence he is in breach of ICC code of conduct.”

Sources inside ICC has told us, “Dhoni targets the middle stump which has camera and microphone attached to it. This has resulted in huge losses to our broadcasters”.

It might be recalled, Dhoni was censured by ICC for causing loss of cricket balls by hitting huge sixes out of the ground. Dhoni has curbed his aggression since, to stay away from any controversy.

ICC says Dhoni is not only involved in this gross theft but also encourages the same by his team mates. It’s has become a bloody team game.

Insiders have told us, “One who steals stumps in a match is guaranteed in playing XI, in the next.”

“Why else do you think Munaf and Yuvraj are still in the team?”

“Why else do you think Bhajji is so close to Dhoni?”

Theft of every stump is celebrated heavily. “Let’s concentrate one stump at a time. Records will be made themselves. Soon we will have 1000 stumps in our armory”, Dhoni is supposed to have boasted once.

Dhoni was enraged. “It’s not just me; every cricketer keeps stumps as a memento”. “If you win today, you lay claim to the stumps. This is my mantra to motivate the team. Media and ICC can say anything; I have support of my team.

Opposition players are aware of this. In fact some very much appreciate him. “The knack that Dhoni has for grabbing stumps is uncanny. No surprise that he is a wicketkeeper”.

BCCI has been enraged with these reports. In their press brief they contested, “Our crickets are extremely rich owing to IPL. Why would they steal if they can afford to bribe grounds men. ICC should stop being pain in the back.”

Post the media reports that it was Steve Bucknor who first reported Indian team for stealing, proof of Bucknor himself being involved with the racket has emerged. “He was unhappy with the profit sharing and hence he bitched about Indian players”, said a report.

Legendary Indian opener, Sunil Gavaskar has come out strongly in support of Indian players. He presented his own dossier on international cricketers who have been involved in such thefts from a long time. “Why is ICC silent on these people? Just because Dhoni is an Asian, it does not give ICC the right to level such serious charges”.

It seems highly unlikely that ICC will act against Indian captain and annoy the cash cow BCCI. ICC has infact designed theft proof stumps (pic below). Given its dual purpose, ICC has also tied up with clean-the-nationprogram run by Sharad Pawar.

Gang Bangers

I could not find any other title suitable to this post however coarse it may sound.

Supreme Court of India struck down the appointment of CVC PJ Thomas recently. Not just the judgment but the case in itself turned out to be a landmark one. It dealt with how to measure the integrity of a person; How the Govt. machinery can be misused to appoint personal beneficiaries to the autonomous constitutional authorities. In fact of late several murky deals from the power corridors of Delhi stood exposed bringing to light the best keep secrets of the India that is corrupt.

“28.3% MP’s have serious charges against them”, Thomas contested in court. Why was only he being unfairly targeted? I must say, I found his plea quite sound. Similar was the defense of Mr. Suresh Kalmadi. “Why don’t you question Delhi CM and Central Sports Minister? They were party to all decisions”.

Why am I alone being charged Sir, it was after all a Gang Bang.

What Thomas and Kalmadi did was a classic case of blackmailing. While Thomas pressurized legislative to support him or stand exposed, Kalmadi took his chances with Delhi CM and Central Sports Minister.

Without going into the good bad and ugly of Adarsh, CWG and 2G scam the thing that stuck me most was the collaborated loot of public money. Had this collaboration been shown in organizing CWG, it would have done some good to brand India. It’s like everyone is ganging up to plunder this country.

Having had rendezvous with functioning of bureaucracy up close, I must admit it would have been hard for Kalmadi to organize CWG without placating other authorities; difficult for Raja to remain Minister without collaborating in loot; and impossible for Chavan to survive without participating in the plunder.

In fact we are no longer averse to bribe and corruption. It’s a way of life. People teach their kids how to bribe without getting caught. “Sir, aap jaisa bolenge waisa ho jaayega”, beta aisa bolna, aadmi apne aap samajh jaayega.

It’s not just the big names which are ganging up; we too are part of the mob that is looting and plundering our nation. We are the Gang Bangers.