IPL: Who said what, The truth

PC: Our Government is too afraid to give go ahead to IPL. Internal security, well it’s a thing of the past. Terrorist attack during IPL can cost us elections. I have been playing this cat and mouse to irritate the organizers. But these guys are too good for that and have been coming up with one schedule after another. Like I care.

Jaitley: Had we been at the Centre, we too would have done the same. But why let this opportunity to nail Congress go away.

Shashank Manohar: We have long been the pawn between the Centre and the State. We know that Govt won’t give the permission. We don’t want to waste any more time. We have a task in hand to make money. Let us concentrate on that.

Lalit Modi: I haven’t slept for over a month now. My hair look scary. My eyes look scary. My only wish was to be the strongest man in Cricket. That I am. Now to sustain that I want IPL to happen. I just wish it happens in India coz here the costs are low and I can make more money.

Security Forces: We don’t have modern equipments. We don’t have necessary man power. We don’t have guns. We don’t have ammunition. We haven’t received any credible intelligence report for long. We know we would be blamed if anything happens. Yet we are ready to give it our best. Last time when we went to save Taj, we were surprised the Durbaan didn’t stop us at the gate. I remember once going there with my family. The Durbaan didn’t let us in, sensing that we don’t have enough money. When would we be paid well, to be able to dine at Taj not die at Taj.

CPI-CPM: Blame govt, blame BJP, blame media, blame USA, blame pakistan, blame blame blame…blam blam blam…bla bla bla.

Rahul Gandhi: IPL should happen in India. It is a matter of national prestige.

Sonia Gandhi: Hush…hush.  When will this child grow up. I am just fed up of him.

Manmohan Singh: I am coming straight from the operation theatre. I haven’t asked Soniyaji what to speak. Soniaji, Soniaji. Where is Soniaji?

Narendra Modi: Make me PM if you want IPL in India. If there would be no Indian Premier League (IPL), I promise you we won’t let Pakistan Premier League (PPL) to take place ever. I have decided to launch my own IPL team, Rama: The Saviours.

Pakistan: Welcome to the family. After such a long time, we stand united.

Common Man: Wow what a month. News channels kept me entertained.

IPL: Behind the Doors

Due to the rising security concern, Indian government decided not to hold IPL in India. BCCI decided to take IPL abroad. The franchise owners became apprehensive of this move and decided to pull out. According to them IPL outside India was not a profitable venture. Franchise owners Shahrukh, Preity, Mallya, Nita, Shilpa met Lalit Modi to get back the money they had already invested in IPL.

SRK: Let me speak first since I am number 1. I feel cheated, now that IPL is not taking place in India. You have fooled us all, Modi. Give me back my goddam money. And it should all be in 1 rupee coins, coz I am number 1.

Shilpa: Yes and I should be the one to get it first. I have no work. I am ageing and everybody wants me to shut up and bounce. I am fed up of all this. Even my boyfriend has this accent that everyone teases me about.

Preity: Oh! you greedy lady. I should get back the money first. Even I have no work. At least you have a boyfriend who bought the team for you. I am not even sure if I have a boyfriend anymore. I tried hitting on Yuvi but his father won’t let me anywhere near him.

Mallya: What about me, I lost in F1, I bought Gandhi belongings. I am broke. I even lost my pride having been thrashed in IPL1. I should get the money first. My yacht needs repair. Situation is so bad that I can’t even afford a drink.

Nita: Hey what about us? You know we purchased this new dining table for our new 10000 crore home and would you believe, 2 diamonds went missing. The dealer said that dining table had exactly 78 embedded diamonds when he dispatched it. Mukesh counted twice and found only 76. We should get the money first. We are in a bad shape.

Modi: Welcome you all, I haven’t slept for 20 days, haven’t eaten for 12 days, haven’t bathed for 10 days. I have become a football between State and Centre, Centre and State. I have made enough time tables to qualify as the principal of any college. Deal with Sony broke off. Govt withdrew permission to hold matches. Wife needs new jewellery. Kids want to holiday abroad. I have enough problems of my own. And you Guys come here asking for money. Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai? Insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for next 15 minutes)

SRK: I think he has gone mad.

Shilpa: What about my money? You shouldn’t have been so greedy Preity. It’s all because of you that he has gone mad.

Preity: So now it’s me? Why don’t you just shut up and bounce. What about Nita? Her diamonds have to go missing now only?

Nita: Mukesh is always the one with progressive thinking. We always look forward in life. What is past is past. I don’t want to talk about Anil and the spat. Its not to be discussed in public. Mukesh is always…

Mallya: She forgot again when to say what. I have asked Muskesh a lot of times not to send his wife where money is involved. Or at least ask her not to mix the lines. She think she is on TV.

SRK: Hush…hush, looks like Modi is coming back to senses. So when are we getting back our money, Mr Modi? I never wanted my captain. My captain never wanted my wicketkeeper. My wicketkeeper got injured. I myself am injured. Give me back my money.

Modi: Paisa Paisa Paisa. Kya bas paisa hi sab kuch hai, insaaniyat kuch nahin, pyaar kuch nahin, zameer kuch nahin… (he went on rambling for another 15 minutes)

Everybody: Seems like he is making a fool of us. He won’t give our money easily.

SRK: Let me show him my six pack. Isko iska rab yaad aa jaayega.

Shilpa: I will not shut up any more. Don’t let me call Raj to make you bounce Modi.

Preity: I have not forgotten the slap on my player SreeSanth. Don’t make me revenge it on you.

Mallya (took a drink): F1 asked me to leave Force India, India asked me to leave IPL, now you are asking me to leave the money. Hic! I object. Give me my money. Hic! I object.

Nita: If you don’t give me back my money, Anil will become richer than us. If he gets richer toh do baatein ho sakti hain. And since I don’t remember any of the two, give me back my money so that Anil doesn’t get richer than us.

Modi: I am fed up of you guys. I love the money. I will not give it back. I think I’ll run away to South Africa.

Everybody: Let’s follow him till we get our money back.

And they all left for South Africa.

Disclaimer: This is an art of fiction. Nothing written here should be taken seriously. It has no relation to anyone living or dead.